Chuck Wendig has once again put out a great Flash Fiction challenge at Terrible Minds. This week is combining those terrible spam e-mails written by someone who understands English as a third or fourth language with a horror-based theme.
I wasn't planning on participating because it sounded like work and I'm not a fan. However, I've been blowing off my writing lately and decided I needed to do this. So here's what I got. If you're in need of daemonic possession, these folks can help. Or so they claim.
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A single unattached soul has been known to be causing severe lonliness in people in all the dimension planes, not just YOURS! Your soul shouldn’t have to be in your body by itself suffering from being sad and bored. Your soul is crying out and WE CAN HELP!!!
We are a COMPANY that provides daemonic
possessions to mortals who crave ACTION and EXCITEMENT in their lives! No
matter what your income or religious preferences our COMPANY can much your soul
with a daemon that will PERMANENTLY attach itself for all eternity!
Many blevieve daemonic possession is just a myth
or a story told around campfires in scary movies. THIS IS FALSE! We work
directly with the Dread Lord Mephisto HIMSELF for the highest-quality most foul
shades of Satanic spirit that the Underworld has to offer. Still don’t believe
us? Even SN0PES has to agree that they can’t not find proof that our
possessions work!!!
Our patented 3-step method will turn you from
regular Joe Rube to agent of the Lord of Flies in literally SECONDS! We will
bring your to our COMPANY office, with thousands of locations across the known
universes for YOUR CONVENIENCE to get your started on your exciting road to
HELL!
We will show you the proper method of drawing the
pentagram in your basement, root cellar, or one-star motel room with the proper
tools. DO NOT TRY THIS ON YOUR OWN!!!! Trying to created your own sign of THE
DEVIL could result in not summoning a daemon at all or risking calling a
non-COMPANY affiliated daemon and we can’t be responsible for you or your soul
in that case.
Once you have created your pentagram, you’ll step
into it and say our tried and true MAGIC WORDS!!! Uttering these ancient
phrases has a success rate of 150%!!! A COMPANY daemon will immediately appear
before you, asking 3 questions THAT WE’LL GIVE YOU THE ANSWER TO!!!! Answer
these questions with the right answers and you’re POSESSED!!!
IT REALLY IS THAT EASY!!!! Don’t believe us? Read
this statement from a satisfied customer!!!
“I was a Roman Catholic priest for more than 40
years. I had done terrible things to literally thousands of defenseless
children, but my superiours had told me my relationship with God protected me
from the law of man. As such, I figured no way could I be daemon possessed.
Nothing could be further from the truth!!!! I followed the COMPANY’S patented
3-step method and before I knew it, a 10 thousand year old Satanic minion named
K’Raithres bonded to my very soul and showed me evil I never thought possible. And
the best thing is that I don’t have to be held accountable for my actions!!! I
tell people I’m possessed by the DEVIL and
they believe it!!!!” –Archbishop Kyle Molesterer.
DON’T WAIT!!!! CALL NOW or the best daemons will
be gone. Give our operators the password SOFT-HEADED SIMPLETON and you’ll KEEP
5% of your own FREE WILL! Don’t keep your soul lily-white and untainted! Be one
of the cool kids and get yoru daemonic possession TODAy!