Wednesday, October 22, 2014

DON’T LET YOUR S0UL BE L0NELY!!!

 

Chuck Wendig has once again put out a great Flash Fiction challenge at Terrible Minds. This week is combining those terrible spam e-mails written by someone who understands English as a third or fourth language with a horror-based theme.

I wasn't planning on participating because it sounded like work and I'm not a fan. However, I've been blowing off my writing lately and decided I needed to do this. So here's what I got. If you're in need of daemonic possession, these folks can help. Or so they claim.

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A single unattached soul has been known to be causing severe lonliness in people in all the dimension planes, not just YOURS! Your soul shouldn’t have to be in your body by itself suffering from being sad and bored. Your soul is crying out and WE CAN HELP!!!

We are a COMPANY that provides daemonic possessions to mortals who crave ACTION and EXCITEMENT in their lives! No matter what your income or religious preferences our COMPANY can much your soul with a daemon that will PERMANENTLY attach itself for all eternity!

Many blevieve daemonic possession is just a myth or a story told around campfires in scary movies. THIS IS FALSE! We work directly with the Dread Lord Mephisto HIMSELF for the highest-quality most foul shades of Satanic spirit that the Underworld has to offer. Still don’t believe us? Even SN0PES has to agree that they can’t not find proof that our possessions work!!!

Our patented 3-step method will turn you from regular Joe Rube to agent of the Lord of Flies in literally SECONDS! We will bring your to our COMPANY office, with thousands of locations across the known universes for YOUR CONVENIENCE to get your started on your exciting road to HELL!

We will show you the proper method of drawing the pentagram in your basement, root cellar, or one-star motel room with the proper tools. DO NOT TRY THIS ON YOUR OWN!!!! Trying to created your own sign of THE DEVIL could result in not summoning a daemon at all or risking calling a non-COMPANY affiliated daemon and we can’t be responsible for you or your soul in that case.

Once you have created your pentagram, you’ll step into it and say our tried and true MAGIC WORDS!!! Uttering these ancient phrases has a success rate of 150%!!! A COMPANY daemon will immediately appear before you, asking 3 questions THAT WE’LL GIVE YOU THE ANSWER TO!!!! Answer these questions with the right answers and you’re POSESSED!!!

IT REALLY IS THAT EASY!!!! Don’t believe us? Read this statement from a satisfied customer!!!

“I was a Roman Catholic priest for more than 40 years. I had done terrible things to literally thousands of defenseless children, but my superiours had told me my relationship with God protected me from the law of man. As such, I figured no way could I be daemon possessed. Nothing could be further from the truth!!!! I followed the COMPANY’S patented 3-step method and before I knew it, a 10 thousand year old Satanic minion named K’Raithres bonded to my very soul and showed me evil I never thought possible. And the best thing is that I don’t have to be held accountable for my actions!!! I tell people I’m possessed by the DEVIL         and they believe it!!!!” –Archbishop Kyle Molesterer.

DON’T WAIT!!!! CALL NOW or the best daemons will be gone. Give our operators the password SOFT-HEADED SIMPLETON and you’ll KEEP 5% of your own FREE WILL! Don’t keep your soul lily-white and untainted! Be one of the cool kids and get yoru daemonic possession TODAy!


Friday, October 10, 2014

30 Cult Movies You Must See

There are some truly God-awful films on this list, but there are some pretty good ones as well. Buckaroo Banzai was marketed like mad, especially in comic books of the era, yet most people barely remember this gem, if at all. How many on the list have you seen?

Amazing Photos Through Time

 

History's full of cool stuff and after 1840 or so, cameras existed to provide visual proof of said coolness. That pic? Fucking awesome. Read on.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

A Tale of a Racist Fish

(This is what happens when you Google "Racist Fish.")

Another one of those great Chuck Wendig flash fiction challenges over at Terrible Minds. Last week, the challenge was to write a very simple but very powerful single sentence. This week, the challenge was to pick one of those sentences and create a story around it. The sentence I chose, from someone named Noel who didn't link to his website, is the first line of this story.
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She couldn’t be sure that the fish was a condescending dickhead, but she was starting to suspect as much. It was neither its look nor its body language, but more his never-ending screed of racial slurs aimed at passersby.

Donna had gotten over her amazement at the reality of a talking catfish quickly after hearing its taunts of “Look atcha, ya fuckin’ beaners!” as a Latino family walked past. Shocked and mortified on their behalf, they themselves acted as though they heard nothing, continuing on to the other exhibits.

Edging slowly to the tank, she stopped only once to watch for a reaction from the black woman who stopped briefly to look at the fish. It had just let loose with some borderline criminal comments regarding the woman’s lineage, but again, the woman seemed not to hear it. Donna felt her face flush again in horror, but the woman looked at Donna and, smiling a friendly smile at her, walked away.

Looking at the catfish, Donna leaned closer yet to the glass partition separating her from the racist fish wondering if that particular term had ever been used in the history of ever. Her nose nearly touched the glass when the fish turned and made eye contact.

“Help you, fatty?”

She jumped back, stunned for a second, then angry.

“I’m not fat,” she whispered at it.

“OK. Wal-Mart called. They want their scooter back, ya pig.”

“My weight is actually below the national average, thank you very much,” Donna said, her voice a little louder.

“Yeah it ain’t. So you aren’t as fat as you could or should be. That’s like being the lead retard at the Special Olympics.”

“You shut up!”

This hadn’t been whispered; in fact, it was yelled rather loudly. People around her were looking at her. Did she just tell that fish to shut up, she heard a teen-aged girl twenty or so feet away ask her mother. Donna gave a shaky smile to those looking at her and turned back to the tank.

The catfish (she definitely felt ‘it’ was a ‘he’ based on tone of voice and the fact no woman Donna knew of, fish or not, would be so crass in public) was still looking at her. Expecting the newly-sexually-identified him to be scowling at her, he was, in fact, not. Talking with a Philly accent must have anthropomorphized him enough.

“You shut up,” she said, much quieter. It dawned on her when he spoke, the fish’s voice was clear as day. Odd, being in water behind thick glass and, you know, a fish at all. She decided to try something.

Can you hear me, she thought, looking the fish dead in his eyes.

He looked back at her, saying nothing.

So much for that, Donna thought. She began chastising herself for thinking a fish could read her mind but shook that thought out of her head. It was a talking catfish. Communications with such a creature haven’t been, to Donna’s knowledge, established, so she should be proud of herself for thinking outside the box.

“Yeah, I can hear you, chubby,” the fish said, interrupting her thoughts. “And you are fat. Like I always say, can’t see the ribs, not taking dibs, am I right? But I’m sure you’ve seen plenty of ribs at plenty of buffets. Does it count as cannibalism when a cow like you piles a couple big racks of ribs down your gullet?”

She was about to speak but remembered it wasn’t necessary. Plus, she didn’t want those around her thinking she was any more weird.

Why are you so hateful? Donna glared at him. I’m not fat and you’re not going to get to me.

“Really I’m not?” the fish asked, a sneer in his voice if not on his face. “You’re about to start bawlin’ and you’re talking to a fucking fish!”

With that, he swam to the other side of the aquarium, casting his eyes upon a group of children looking to be no older than eight or nine.

“Jesus, the gay practically seeps outta that kid,” he said. “A haircut like that and those shoes pretty much scream ‘Cock, party of one, please!’”

That’s so mean and, well, doesn’t really make any sense, Donna thought at the fish. Does that mean he’s the one providing the cock for another gay man or that he’s a party of one requesting cock? I don’t get it.

“Huh? The fuck are you talking about, Chief Walkswithawobble?” he asked, again with attitude in his voice if not on his features. “The point is, he’s gonna have more men inside him than the locker room at the Rose Bowl. And he’s not going to be a power bottom, either. Look at that little fruit…you know he’s gonna be someone’s wife.”

Just stop it! Donna screamed at him in her mind. You’re just a fish! Who cares what you think anyways? She was on the verge of angry tears, staring daggers at the back of the fish (whom she kept thinking of as Charlie for some reason) while he continued to look upon the children.

Charlie, sensing Donna’s eyes on his back, turned towards her. He came at her fast, nearly hitting the glass, screaming “HEY!”

Donna started at Charlie’s yell. When she regained her composure, the fish, the aquarium, and in fact most of the people, were gone. She closed her eyes and gave her head a little shake, hoping to knock whatever was loose back to normal again, the normal including a talking, racist fish.

She opened them again, but Charlie and the aquarium were still gone. In its place, a doctors’ office waiting room, filled with people staring at her. Angrily. A security guard put his hand around her bicep, lifting her to her feet.

“Ma’am, you have to go. Right now.”

“What’s going on,” she said, eyes moving across all the angry faces. “Why are you staring at me?”

“I’m sorry you feel bad about your weight and all,” the guard said, “but that’s no reason to say horrible things to all these people. You’ll pardon me for saying so, but being overweight and angry doesn’t give you the right to be a racist bitch. If you feel that way, just keep it in your head like everyone else.”

Monday, July 21, 2014

Batgirl Enters a Brave New World


After a great run that did have a touch of controversy, Gail Simone is stepping away from one of my favorite titles, Batgirl. The new team will have big shoes to fill but they seem to be saying all the right things so far. I wrote a column about it at ComicBookHerald.com. That's something I do now. Go there to read other stuff, too.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

The 10 Most Expensive Comics


So there's absolutely no surprise what book is No. 1, but there are some issues down the list that definitely raised my eyebrows. If you've got $10M or so, they can all be yours.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Great Movie Nods to their Comic Book Counterparts

If you're like me, you're in bed, nearly naked, and all the way drunk before Noon. Plus, you wet your geek drawers in The Dark Knight Rises when Bane broke Batman's back because HOLY SHIT KNIGHTFALL!!!1! Several other movies have thrown us a bone in that manner, but you may have missed them. Here they are.