Saturday, March 28, 2015

9 Batman Knock Offs That Utterly Miss the Point

Batman is Batman and true fans know exactly what I'm talking about. Accept no imitations...except there are several copy cats who just. Don't. Get it. Here are nine of them. And a couple who actually do it right. Except for the whole, "You're still not Batman" thing.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

God Hates Gays (And Everyone Else Apparently)

So most of the gay-hating people in the world know the Old Testament Bible verse Leviticus 18:22 which states "Two guys having sex is gross and they are an abomination but two chicks doing it is pretty hot." That may not be the verse line-for-line, but that's how I always interpreted it.

Anywho, I've always pointed out, as do many people with even the slightest grasp of logic and hypocrisy, that if you dig through the Old Testament i.e. the script for history's greatest snuff film, you'll find there's a ton of shit that God finds sinful. I was raised Southern Baptist and was told that a sin is a sin is a sin, meaning no sin is greater than other because they're all an offense to God.

So, growing up with the belief that copying off Donna Jameson's algebra test in the eighth grade is as much a Hell-worthy affront as murdering a hobo, I find it laughable that being gay is worse than some of the other sins listed in the Bible. Especially since being gay isn't a choice, a fact that even most anti-gay "prayer warriors" understand, while getting a haircut, most definitely, is.

And by the way, I still identify as a Christian. I just gave up on organized religion a long time ago because of their very closed-minded view on the Bible and the teachings of Jesus. "Christian" is derived from the word "Christ." You know, Jesus. But instead of living the lessons of Jesus, who taught us to love on another as we love ourselves, too many people want others to suffer, so they point out what everyone else is doing wrong. Basically, they cherry pick the Bible verses that apply to people they don't like without using that accusatory tone against themselves. In lieu of organized religion, I speak directly to the spark of the Lord that is inside me. I find that it works pretty well and there's no middle man required.

I found this in a Facebook comment section. The original post was in regards to a group of "good Christians" picketing a movie that dared depict two homosexuals as loving individuals instead demonic, God-hating pedophiles. I re-post it here in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, one narrow-minded person will read this and think, "Huh. Maybe I need to change my attitudes. Or start protesting the local farmers."

So without further ado, here's something I found pretty awesome. Share it as you see fit.

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for
example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.


Wednesday, March 18, 2015

If You Think Feminists Are Ruining Comics, You Might Be Fucking Stupid

This picture was intended to be a variant cover for Batgirl No. 41. For anyone who has a passing acquaintance with comics or the Batman universe, they know this cover, penciled by the amazing Rafael Albuquerque, is an homage to The Killing Joke. TKJ (as the kids call it) was written by Alan Moore and was/is considered, with Frank Miller's The Dark Knight Returns, a turning point in the comic book industry. Comics were dark, edgy, intense. This cover was supposed to come out in June as a celebration of 75 years of the Joker.

Ain't happenin'.

In the latest OH NOES!!!!! catastrophe in Nerd Nation (where I rent a small apartment with my dog, Oliver, and my cat, Harley Quinn), it was announced by Alburquerque and DC Comics that, due to an outcry of offended readers and fans, the cover would be pulled. In addition, the current Batgirl creative team of Cameron Stewart and Brendan Fletcher (writers) and Babs Tarr (penciller) came forward and said they had not approved the cover and weren't happy with it as it goes against the new, lighter Batgirl they are putting out.

(#NoFilters)

 I love the "new" Batgirl. I think Babs Tarr's pencils are strong and bring an indie vibe to the book, appropriate since Barbara Gordon has returned to college and has moved to the trendy part of town with her fellow 20-somethings. I wrote a column about the new beginning at Comic Book Herald where I voiced my concerns on the book after a tremendous run by Gail Simone, who had her own issues with DC Comics regarding the book. Taking over a book as popular as Batgirl after the kind of stories Simone put down is rife with land mines but it's done and has been done on every single comic book in the history of ever.

Getting back to the variant cover (a cover that was only going to be on a limited number of comics available at mortar comics shops), my personal thought? I loved it. I thought it was beautifully drawn in a terrible, tragic, brutal way that shows the Joker for what he is--a monster. He's not the Clown Prince of Crime, he's monstrous and murderous, and he created a personal hell for Barbara Gordon when he shot her in TKJ, crippling her and putting her in a wheelchair for (according to canon) three years.

But it wasn't just the shooting. In an effort to drive her father, Commissioner Jim Gordon, mad, Joker had Jim removed from the scene (he was there for the shooting) and proceeded to strip Barbara naked as she's bleeding out and began taking photos, graphic photos, some of which are shown later in the book. There is also the believe by many fans she was possibly raped based on comments by Moore.

When you look in her eyes in Albuquerque's cover, you see all that. You see the absolute blind, panicked terror. None of Batgirl's training is helping her. The skills she learned at the hands of Batman are gone. She's alone, she's a victim, and she's paralyzed (no pun intended) by fear.

And that is the reason many have come out against the cover. I don't agree with it, but I've never been sexually assaulted and I do not have the emotions that some have against TKJ and similar stories. I do, however, support the decision to pull the title solely because that is the wish of the creator of the piece and his publisher.

And that's when the shit fucking ignites.

Comic book and gamer fanboys have been painted as brutally misogynist in recent years. It's not a brush that covers every male fan, but it's one that that's pretty accurate in many cases. I'm not going to get into the flaming shit show that is Gamer Gate (I'd link you to the Wikipedia page, but since GG sympathizers run it, you're not going to get an objective definition. I recommend you follow Chris Kluwe on Twitter), but what I've seen in the comic book world is simply horrible.

There are supporters of the cover, like me, who see it for what it is and would have liked to have seen it on the book, but really aren't too sussed over it. There are other supporters who are upset and even angry, arguing it's censorship (which it isn't since the artist wanted it pulled himself), but are still reasonably civil. Then there's the "fuck you, you cunt" guys and those are the ones we're going to focus on. The ones who immediately pull out the victim card while simultaneously insulting, humiliating, and degrading any and every female who has the audacity to comment they felt uncomfortable with the cover.

The bigger picture here isn't the cover or the decision to pull it. The bigger picture is how fast a decision like this is decried as "PC" or DC Comics being afraid of those "fucking feminists." I spent a pretty good amount of time on Twitter last night debating the cover with the woman who runs the @DCWomenKickingAss account. I don't agree with every single post she makes, but I have a tremendous amount of respect for not only her opinion, but her ability to stick to her guns even when she's dealing with abuse and cyber-bullying assholes who seem to think she personally is ruining the comic book industry.

We didn't agree on the issue, but at no time were there harsh words between us. It was a civil discourse and we went our own Twitter-wandering ways. But while looking through other Tweets, I found terrible things. Gail Simone tweeted about another female creator named Valerie D'Orazio who has been part of several big-name titles over the years. Recently, someone in the industry who openly, publicly, and unabashedly bullied her has basically been rewarded for being a dickhole.

(Valerie D'Orazio Twitter feed)

She provided the full story on her website and I really recommend you read it. It shows what some women in the industry go through for no other reason than being female. Not being "feminist," not complaining about Power Girl's tits, not for being outspoken against sexualizing girls who are minors in comics, but just for being a woman. It's embarrassing, it's shameful, and it's wrong.

Being stupid, I'm drawn to the comments sections of stories and Facebook posts where the dregs of society tend to spew their honest (and usually homophobic, racist, and misogynist) opinions. What I've gathered is, these are people who hate change. In any form. One of the most recent jewels is from a young man bitching about the possibility that the new Spider-Man move may focus on Mile Morales instead of Peter Parker, meaning Spidey would be (looks around furtively) black.

The author said, "I'm sick and tired of these directors coming in and changing everything just to put their mark on the book. Just leave it the way it was and stick to the comics! I want the movies to be like the comics!*"

*I took the liberty of correcting all the spelling errors.

Then read the fucking comics, jackass.

Folks, things change. We all talk wistfully about the days of Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, but those tales do not translate well into the second decade of the 21st century. And a big part of change is being more accurate about our society as it's depicted in mediums such as comics. Believe it or not, it wasn't a woman who designed Wonder Woman's or Black Canary's uniforms. Those costumes are ridiculous at best, offensive at worst, and should probably be updated. But you do that, it's all "Those fucking feminists are bitching and DC/Marvel is just going to back down because they're spineless. I feel sorry for our country right now because we're nothing but a nation of pussies!"

No, Unfortunately-Not-An-Imaginery-Person, what we are is a nation of different people. I understand that it's better for you to read your comics with the heroic white guy who bangs the really hot super hero chick who wears next to nothing like her male counterparts do (sarcasm) and, hell, you can even deal with the odd colored fella or two. But the moment those cunts start bitching and you start seeing fags and trannies in the pages of your comic books, that's the moment Al Qaeda wins, isn't it?

In all honesty, I sort of feel sorry for these socially-retarded monkeys because all they have is hate. And I get that. I have a lot of anger inside but I'm cursed with objective logic and the understanding that sometimes, I don't get my way. But for these people, the type who are pissed off even when their side wins because some compromising had to be done to earn the victory or those who don't understand that no, white people don't get to say "nigger" in public, hatred is constantly boiling under the surface and it's directed at anything and everything. The internet has given them the protection their brand of cowardice thrives in. They can say the things they've always wanted to say with no repercussions. Or, in the case of people like Chris Sims, they're backed by a throng of dickhead fanboys who hang on his every word and clap him on the back like he just saved a puppy from a burning building.

Actually, scratch that. I don't feel sorry for these mouth breathers. Fuck you. Fuck you and fuck your pathetic inability to interact with other human beings in a civil manner. I hope you're hit by a car, paralyzed from the neck down and the person caring for you is a black transvestite who reads Rachel Maddow out loud to you every morning while pointing out all the lies and inaccuracies told on FOX News.

Asshole.

 

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

10 Punk Albums to Listen to Before You Die

Let me be quick to point out, it doesn't say TOP 10 punk albums, just 10 punk albums. I agree. If you like the punk genre or are just starting to get into it, these 10 selections should absolutely blow your mind before you shuffle loose this mortal coil. Happy listening and junk.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

DON’T LET YOUR S0UL BE L0NELY!!!

 

Chuck Wendig has once again put out a great Flash Fiction challenge at Terrible Minds. This week is combining those terrible spam e-mails written by someone who understands English as a third or fourth language with a horror-based theme.

I wasn't planning on participating because it sounded like work and I'm not a fan. However, I've been blowing off my writing lately and decided I needed to do this. So here's what I got. If you're in need of daemonic possession, these folks can help. Or so they claim.

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A single unattached soul has been known to be causing severe lonliness in people in all the dimension planes, not just YOURS! Your soul shouldn’t have to be in your body by itself suffering from being sad and bored. Your soul is crying out and WE CAN HELP!!!

We are a COMPANY that provides daemonic possessions to mortals who crave ACTION and EXCITEMENT in their lives! No matter what your income or religious preferences our COMPANY can much your soul with a daemon that will PERMANENTLY attach itself for all eternity!

Many blevieve daemonic possession is just a myth or a story told around campfires in scary movies. THIS IS FALSE! We work directly with the Dread Lord Mephisto HIMSELF for the highest-quality most foul shades of Satanic spirit that the Underworld has to offer. Still don’t believe us? Even SN0PES has to agree that they can’t not find proof that our possessions work!!!

Our patented 3-step method will turn you from regular Joe Rube to agent of the Lord of Flies in literally SECONDS! We will bring your to our COMPANY office, with thousands of locations across the known universes for YOUR CONVENIENCE to get your started on your exciting road to HELL!

We will show you the proper method of drawing the pentagram in your basement, root cellar, or one-star motel room with the proper tools. DO NOT TRY THIS ON YOUR OWN!!!! Trying to created your own sign of THE DEVIL could result in not summoning a daemon at all or risking calling a non-COMPANY affiliated daemon and we can’t be responsible for you or your soul in that case.

Once you have created your pentagram, you’ll step into it and say our tried and true MAGIC WORDS!!! Uttering these ancient phrases has a success rate of 150%!!! A COMPANY daemon will immediately appear before you, asking 3 questions THAT WE’LL GIVE YOU THE ANSWER TO!!!! Answer these questions with the right answers and you’re POSESSED!!!

IT REALLY IS THAT EASY!!!! Don’t believe us? Read this statement from a satisfied customer!!!

“I was a Roman Catholic priest for more than 40 years. I had done terrible things to literally thousands of defenseless children, but my superiours had told me my relationship with God protected me from the law of man. As such, I figured no way could I be daemon possessed. Nothing could be further from the truth!!!! I followed the COMPANY’S patented 3-step method and before I knew it, a 10 thousand year old Satanic minion named K’Raithres bonded to my very soul and showed me evil I never thought possible. And the best thing is that I don’t have to be held accountable for my actions!!! I tell people I’m possessed by the DEVIL         and they believe it!!!!” –Archbishop Kyle Molesterer.

DON’T WAIT!!!! CALL NOW or the best daemons will be gone. Give our operators the password SOFT-HEADED SIMPLETON and you’ll KEEP 5% of your own FREE WILL! Don’t keep your soul lily-white and untainted! Be one of the cool kids and get yoru daemonic possession TODAy!


Friday, October 10, 2014

30 Cult Movies You Must See

There are some truly God-awful films on this list, but there are some pretty good ones as well. Buckaroo Banzai was marketed like mad, especially in comic books of the era, yet most people barely remember this gem, if at all. How many on the list have you seen?