Please, GI Joe Sequel, Don't Suck

(This, honestly, is the only reason I watched the first movie. Don't you judge me. Photo from Google Images)

I was a huge fan of the GI Joe comics back in the day. I even watched the cartoons because knowing is half the battle and I had the toys (Zartan was the fucking BOMB, yo!). I had it all.

I know the Marvel Comics product was meant only as a vehicle for Hasbro to sell toys, just like the Transformers cartoons and their truly God-awful line of comics. But somewhere along the line, Larry Hama turned the book into a truly great comic. As a veteran, I can look back and see there are some pretty glaring flaws, like enlisted servicemembers flying F-16s, etc., but as with any comic, there has to be a certain suspension of disbelief. The one-liners were strong, the character development was superb, and people got their asses KILLED.

For me, the comic became a must-purchase at issue 12, the beginning of the Sierra Gordo plotline that dug into Snake Eyes' background and ended with the deaths of some of the major players, including General Flag, Kwinn the Eskimo, and Dr. Venom. What followed that? Issue 21, considered by many as one of the strongest single-issue storylines of that era, and not just in that comic, but industry wide. The story didn't have a single word and introduced the world to Storm Shadow, the conflicted ninja bodyguard of Cobra Commander and a man with a mysterious tie to Snake Eyes.

So the comic was becoming critically-acclaimed, the cartoon growing more awful by the minute (but created some awesome YouTube memes), and toy sales began to taper off. The '80s turned into the '90s, GI Joe: A Real American Hero was eventually canceled and life moved on. Much later, the comics were rebooted with an edgier writing style that made the book even better and Hollywood, seemingly bereft of any original ideas, decided to turn it into a huge summer blockbuster movie...

...that sucked donkey nuts.

Yes, the stylized violence was there. Yes, the hot-as-fuck Baroness was one of the main characters because, thanks to hipsters, chicks with glasses have never been hotter and when she's a cold-as-ice, gun-toting badass? Please. The one-liners were there, the gadgets were there, so what was missing?

The soul of the comic. At no point in the first movie did you ever give a fuck about any of the Joes. Hell, I was ROOTING for some of them to take a bullet to the temple.  It seemed the movie only existed as a reason to create some very cool, very misleading trailers, giving viewers and old-school fans like me a reason to bust a nut. Nut not busted, it took me three tries to actually sit through the entire movie. And I tried. Sweet baby Jebus, I tried. Much like Phantom Menace, I wanted this movie to be good. But it wasn't. It just wasn't.

But there is possible redemption. GI Joe: Retaliation could be sweet. Dwayne Johnson (finally dropping "The Rock" even though he's returned to wrestling part-time, but whatever) and Bruce Willis are starring and this could finally be the movie that makes Johnson a true action star and not just a good-looking guy who apparently will say yes to whatever his agent puts in front of him. Willis' name being tied to the project automatically gives it some credibility and, based on the trailers, there seems to be some chemistry between the two. Having said that, I'm not getting fucked over again by a well-produced commercial. But dammit, I WANT this movie to work. I want to forget the piece of shit that was the first one and I want the sequel to be the great film the first one should've been. I mean, Zartan kills most of the Joes and the remaining Joes band together to avenge them? Oh, HELLZ yes.

But again, the first one had some great promise but was one of a long line of movies whose best lines and scenes were used in the trailer. Please, Stephen Sommers, please don't let us down. I so hope you did some research and understood why the comics were good and why the first movie sucked it like a back-alley whore desperately in need of smokes. I'm not watching it in the theater. I'm just not. Unless I get a free screening. I'm a whore for free screenings. So again, wearing my heart on my sleeve, I want my childhood back and I want it back in the form of a big-budgeted movie based on one of my favorite comics.

Is that so much to ask?

Does A Sweet Rack Have A Place In Comics?

(Photo from Google Images)

I like boobs.

As a heterosexual male, I find boobs, breasts, mammaries, tits, jugs, bewbies, et. al., to be just doggone awesome. Can't help it. Having said that, I'm also something of a misogynist. I intensely dislike stupid women. This may have come from working at various bars or making the mistake of going to college in my thirties when one is more acutely aware of stupidity. Let me make myself clear, I don't hate women; I despise stupid women. And stupid men, for that matter. But we're focusing on the ladies this time around.

Prior to my marriage to a wonderful woman, I always felt I wasn't playing hard to get, I was playing hard to want. I was the last person my friends wanted as a wing man in a "target-rich environment" (Thanks, Top Gun!). Quick story: I was living in Jacksonville, Fla., and a friend of mine and I were at a local club. I had zero interest in cruising for chicks and I was sober. I was more out of place than a man named L'Kwan Goldberg at a Klan rally. My friend was about to seal the deal with a young lady and her friend was with me in my car. All I had to do was keep her entertained for 15 minutes while my buddy and his target of choice slipped away.

I tried. God knows, I really tried. After listening to her blather on and on, she asked me to play some music. I showed her the CDs that were in my collection and she began flipping through them, saying "Crap" or "Never heard of them" after each CD. When she reached Miles Davis' Kind of Blue, she said, and I quote "Who is this? It looks like he plays elevator music."

The gist of my next remark was "I don't think this is going to work. You probably need to get out of my car and find your friend." As I was told by my friend later, what I actually said was more like "You're fucking retarded and since I don't have a gun on hand to kill either you or myself, you need to get the fuck out." I would say it's a mixture of the two. Nah, fuck it. It's probably 90 percent the latter.

Anyway, the point I'm making is, I would never treat a woman like that who didn't deserve it. I love my wife and my daughters and I treat them with the utmost respect. I've worked with and for women who continue to be some of my best friends and colleagues. The fact I love the female form, preferably as scantily-clad as possible, doesn't make me a bad person; it makes me a heterosexual male.

Now, look at the pic posted above. The well-endowed lass is a super heroine in the DC Universe called Power Girl. She's a cousin of Superman. The uncomfortable-looking young lady is Supe's other cousin, Supergirl. According to a lot of female comics' fans and literary critics, Power Girl represents everything that is sexist and wrong about comics.

They're mostly right.

Kelly Thompson of ComicBookResources.com wrote a great article today on the consistent sexism in comics. I read it and felt compelled to write something about it from a male point of view. I'm not going to say for a second that I don't enjoy seeing hot chicks in skin-tight latex/spandex/whatever in comics. I've been reading comics for more than 30 years and the buxom ladies, good or evil, has always been a mainstay. On this very blog recently, I penned a post asking readers whom was hotter: Batgirl or Catwoman. It was probably a bit (a lot) on the sexist side, but if you are one of the four people who read it (Thanks Mom!), you'll see my choice was Batgirl/Barbara Gordon. I chose her because she is pretty, smart, and doesn't have to show off her taters to get shit done. She'll out think you, then whip your ass. I dig that.

With the release of the New 52, there has seemingly been more criticism regarding the appropriateness of women's attire in comics. I am of the belief that folks thought since it's 2011 (when the DC-wide relaunch took place), the need for nearly-naked female super heroes is at an end. Now, does that mean ALL hot women are going to disappear from comics? Hell no! I do think, however, most people, guys included, thought we were beyond this as the standard bearer for powerful women:

(Look at how smart I am. Photo from Google Images)

I have always had a problem with Emma Frost, the White Queen (seen in her Sunday best above), especially when she became the headmistress at Xavier's School. I understood she was supposed to represent the femme fatale and whatnot, but who dresses like that outside a titty bar? Seriously? Especially as the head of a highly-reputable school. Yeah, I know, who has telepathic powers? There is a certain suspension of disbelief when reading comics but there has always been a link between the lack of clothes and the increase in super powers re: women in comics. Psylocke is a great example. When she was first introduced, she was a very quiet, demure Brit who was a powerful telepath, yet depicted as somewhat frail. When the X-Men went through the Siege Perilous, she came out the other side in the employ of Mandarin as a kick-ass (and barely-clothed) ninja assassin.

Was there a need to shed her clothes? I've never seen male ninjas showing off their junk while battling whomever it is ninjas battle. The argument has always been that women dress that way to distract men during a fight. I don't buy it. It's because back in the day, the biggest audience for comics were young boys suffering through puberty. If your old man's porn stash wasn't available, you could always take a close look at what was behind Wonder Woman's, ahem, wings, and do it to it.

That is no longer the case and hasn't been for awhile. Almost all comics are aimed at an older audience, but that audience is still predominantly male, especially now with the prominence of the internet and the infamous Rule 34. Even the comics that are purportedly aimed at women, such as Wonder Woman and Catwoman (New 52), are unrealistic at best, softcore porn at worst. I enjoy reading Batgirl because it's a well-written comic about a strong central character, not because she's wearing an outfit showing off her tits. In the Marvel Universe, I was always a big fan of Jean Grey and Kitty Pryde. Both were strong characters and neither were displayed in an overtly sexual manner. For the most part.

The portrayal of women in comics is due mostly to the stereotype of the comics nerd; a fat, thirty-something white male living in his mother's basement, reading comics in one hand and beating his schlong like it owed him money to internet porn with the other. Yes, those people exist, but they do not define the genre of comic book fans. And yes, if you're pushing 40 like I am and still reading comics, you've probably seen some of the fan-originated pics of everyone from Power Girl to Alice In Wonderland done up in a Rule 34 fantasy. Probably been titillated by it as well. No harm, that. Well, no harm in it if you haven't punished your dong more than ten times a day for a month or so to said images.

Finally, given that the majority of comic book readers are heterosexual males, there isn't going to be a huge push to have the clothes put back on. I will say, though, if comic book artists began covering the girls, I don't believe there would be any blowback. At all. Readers of comics read for the stories primarily. S'truth. Some characters do need to be drawn the way they are; Catwoman SHOULD look like a biker slut. Black Canary, the Huntress, Wonder Woman, etc., should NOT. Seriously. Catwoman is a thief and can/does use sex as a weapon. The latter group of women are natural badasses and do not need to use sex. They have super powers. They don't need The Window of Titties (Yes, Power Girl, I'm talking to you).

The entertaining side of this argument is the half-hearted defense some guys give. They claim that MEN are objectified in comics. These are probably the same guys who ask every February why there is no White History Month. Male heroes are drawn extremely well in comics, but that, again, addresses the male fantasy. No fat guy imagines himself as a super hero; he imagine himself as Thor and Thor is built well. Ask my wife. She was damned near hypnotized by him in the movie. And I'm sure there have been women who have read a comic, have seen a male character shirtless and thought, "Yeah. I'll have me some of that."

(Can't you please just see me as a man? Now if you'll excuse me, I have to wash this shirt on my abs. Photo from Google Images)

I'm sure I'm going to get some uber-male comment either on this post or via DM/PM that I must be a fag or I'm pandering to women. I'm neither, although I do find myself looking at that pic of Thor in a decidedly uncomfortable manner. The fact is just because you're suspending disbelief enough to consider meta-powered humans/aliens existing in the "real" world doesn't mean the females in said world need to all be Amazonian Victoria's Secret models who lust after nerds and desire your geek seed. I'm not a prude by any standards, but it just seems ridiculous in the age we live in, our comic book women are still aimed at a group of readers who are in the minority. Titties and ass in comics should be an insult to the writers because that tells me the artist doesn't think the writer is strong enough to carry a story without some eye candy. Based on what I've read of the New 52 and most of the comics I've read over the years, that's not the case. At all.

Just remember: It's always sexier to conceal than to reveal. Besides, if you want to see Power Girl's knockers, there's always Rule 34.

What are you?

Tournament of Awesome Entrant No. 5: Wikipedia

The latest entry for the ever-expanding Tournament of Awesome has been announced and it is Wikipedia! For the full post, click HERE.

Hitler Hates Star Wars Episode I in 3D

Batgirl vs. Catwoman

 

Throughout history, rivalries have defined the existence of mankind. Man vs. Dinosaurs. Jesus vs. the Romans. King Arthur vs. Mordred. Ali vs. Frazier. Man vs. Food. But there is one rivalry, one contest of who is better that makes all the aforementioned pairings take on the importance of South Park's legendary Giant Douche vs. Turd Sandwich.

Batgirl vs. Catwoman: who's hotter?

For the sake of argument, I'm only using the versions you see above, from DC Comics' New 52 line. So, nothing from the Batman TV Series or any of the cartoons, nothing from the 80s or 90s, and no, you CAN'T vote on Barbara Gordon as the paraplegic Oracle. You sick fuck.

We'll start with Batgirl first, since her name starts with a B and B comes before C in the alphabet. You just learned something! Some background on Batgirl, she's the daughter of Gotham City Commissioner Jim Gordon. Well, at least for now. She WAS his niece at some point. I'm still not real clear on how she went from niece to daughter. Fuck it. She's his daughter now, that's the important bit. She decided to be Batgirl and hung out with Batman and Robin and Nightwing and the whole gang. She was taken down by the Joker after he shot her in the spine. The irony being, Joker didn't know he was taking out Batgirl; he just thought he was wounding the daughter of Commissioner Gordon in front of him. Funny. But not funny ha-ha. Not at all, sir.

The now paralyzed Barbara Gordon used her superior intellect and computer abilities to become Oracle, Batman's eye in the sky. She also was the sorta leader of the Birds of Prey, which included Black Canary, Huntress, and other unbelievably hot-ass super heroines. Especially Black Canary. Have you read the Frank Miller/Jim Lee All-Star Batman & Robin, the Boy Wonder? BC as an Irish lass who TOTALLY does it with Batman. Well, it's IMPLIED that they did it. And Vicky Vale in that book? Good Lord. Glad Jim Lee wasn't doing comics when I was a kid. I'd be shooting dust out of my daddy button if that were the case.

ANYWAY, when the New 52 started, Babs was back as Batgirl and we're starting to find out how exactly she regained the use of her legs. She's cute as a button, smart, and a redhead. I dig redheads. But not gingers. They have no soul, you know.

So let's look at the Pros and Cons of Batgirl:

PROS: She's crazy intelligent. Batman relies on her to be a step ahead of him. Yeah, THAT Batman. She has a great sense of humor. Hanging out with Alfred, Nightwing, and Tim Drake (I refuse to call him Red Robin; that has to be the most ridiculous super hero name ever. I either think "Yummmmmm!" or about him going bob-bob-bobbing along when I hear that name), one needs to have their chops in regards to their level of sarcastic wit. She's a good girl. This isn't someone who's going to string you along. She's tough, not just physically, but mentally. The Joker shot her point blank and she not only got her shit together, she became the Oracle. That's one tough young lady.

CONS: Let's look at that Joker issue. Barbara wasn't just shot that night, she was physically and sexually abused. Joker stripped her naked and proceeded to take VERY provocative pics of her in suggestive positions while she lay dying in an effort to mentally destroy her father. Having said that, if your idea of a great relationship is one where the sex is coming early and often, there's not much of a chance of that happening here. And that's on top of her being a nice girl in the first place. You're not weaseling into those drawers on the first date...or on the 15th for that matter. Especially now that she's walking again. She's trying to get her life back in order, both as Barbara Gordon and as Batgirl. She may complain about not having a man, but she probably isn't looking that hard. Plus, she's not going to give up the secret identity anytime soon, so there will be a LOT of unexpected exits and weird excuses for not making dates, etc. Finally, her dad is the police commissioner for Gotham City, one of the most corrupt cities in the country, AND she's tight with the GODDAMNED BATMAN! You screw her over and your entire body is going to be worked over like a cadaver being autopsied with fists and ball bats instead of scalpels. So...yeah.

And then, there's the Catwoman.

Her origins are based on her being a jewel thief and one of Batman's minor villains. The comely Selina Kyle never seemed interested in killing the Dark Knight. She seemed more desirous of bedding Batman, which she eventually did, or at least, based on the Hush storyline, we can assume she did. Catwoman went through some pretty brutal costumes (that all purple thing she wore during the Bane/Broken Bat era was just hideous), but her current one? The one she wears as she sashays through town with in the Arkham City video game? Yeah. Let's just say there are some movies that, ahem, turned me into a man in the 80s that weren't NEARLY as suggestive as her wiggle in that game. Mmmmmmmm...

Catwoman eventually became something of a "good guy," though she still had some sticky fingers (I mean she still stole, you fucking pervs). However, Selina loved her some Batman/Bruce Wayne and despite still being an independent type of lady, her heart was in the right place.

So, let's look at the good and bad re: Catwoman:

PROS: She's fucking HAWT. This is a girl who probably wouldn't have a problem trading some sexy time for a vault combination, some diamonds, or some help in cutting off Two-Face's second head, if you catch my drift. His wiener. I'm referring to his wiener. In case you didn't know. Plus, you know, unless you're the aforementioned Batman, this isn't going to be a long-term deal. If you're lucky, you can find enough reasons for her to stay on your good side, but you're not marrying this broad. And anyone who wears skin-tight leather with the zipper down to her waist and no bra is probably not bashful in the boudoir. She's also loaded. This isn't someone you have to worry about supporting financially. Granted, she's got money because she can easily convince the dudes in her life to buy her dinners, diamonds, small islands in the South Pacific, but you're not going to have to be the one to provide her with an apartment, a car, etc. Did I mention she's crazy hot? I did? Oh. Well, it bears repeating.

CONS: She will cut your dick off if you fuck with her. She's a martial artist on par with Batman and, as stated above, doesn't really need nor want you in the sack. It just suits her purpose at the time. Granted, she's working on the side of angels lately, but she still could easily turn into a black widow pretty quick. She gives up the poonanner, you give her whatever it is she wants, seconds later, the wall behind your head is now colored in a new shade called "Hint of Brain." And you will fall in love with her LONG before she even commits your name to memory. And there's that intelligence thing. This isn't some idiot; you want hot, dangerous AND stupid, go find Harley Quinn while wearing white face and a green wig. Finally, if Catwoman doesn't kill you post-coitus, you can almost guarantee she's going to steal your stuff.

WINNER: Shit, I don't know. Six of one, half a dozen of the other. Based solely on appearance, I'm going with Batgirl/Barbara Gordon. I've always been the "It's hotter to conceal rather than to reveal" kinda guy. Yes, Selina Kyle is ridiculously hot (I think I mentioned that), but Babs in a ponytail, wearing reading glasses in a pair of sweats is pretty strong. Plus, by the time we finally get around to having, er, relationships, she'll be deeply in love with me and the fact I'm just awful at the act of demonstrating physical love will be something she'll just have to deal with.

Not that any of this matters. They're fictional characters. And even if they were real, do you think they'd be into someone who read this entire blog? 

Or wrote it?

Laziness vs. Apathy

Yes, it's this shit again. Bite me.

I'm in a mood. I can't decide if I don't feel like doing anything because I'm lazy or because I don't give a fuck. For the uninitiated, there is definitely a huge difference between the two.

If I don't feel like doing something (say, writing incredibly snarky, witty things on this next-to-impossible-to-find corner of the internet), the reason is either laziness or apathy. Laziness is a strange thing, though. Just because I'm too lazy to sit down and write down some vaguely coherent thoughts doesn't mean I'm too lazy to play Arkham City for 12 straight hours and I'm bleeding from the eyes and my kids are begging for food. It also doesn't mean I'm not so lazy that I wouldn't go get some Chinese takeout and eat it in front of said children, telling them this is MY food. Mine. There's cereal and cold coffee in the kitchen. Knock yourselves out.

Apathy, on the other hand, is a different animal. Also known as soul-crushing despair, apathy pretty much prevents me from wanting to get out of my recliner at any given moment and since society frowns on my driving in the snow after a healthy mixture of Vicodin and Irish whiskey (fuck you, killjoys), there is little to no chance I will have the motivation to do anything.

Chronic, clinical depression is a sad thing and something I've fought since middle school. Unfortunately for me, there was no such thing as Prozac then. In the mid-80s, if you were sad, lonely, outcast, and depressed, the only cure was for the kid in the grade above you with the glandular problem who could grow a full beard at age 12 was to beat some sense into you and make you think, "Gee. Things aren't so bad after all. Thanks, cowardly bully who will go on to die at age 23 after a soda machine you tried to steal falls on you!" OK, thinking about that DOES give me a reason to smile because I won. Take that, squished guy who left a family behind because you're stupid; the fat middle-aged guy whining on a blog no one will read has beat you. The fact it's true is sadder than dead puppies at an orphanage on Christmas.

The fact is, once I actually sit down to write, I begin to pick up some steam and feel good about it. Not this particular piece of writing. No, this is mostly just something to keep my hands busy while a bottle of NyQil and a baggie full of Ambien that I bought from that high school kid for $50 sits in the corner invitingly. But as you can see, I've gone from being completely non-responsive in a worn-out recliner to actually writing something down and stringing together some (sorta) coherent thoughts.

I had planned on writing something about Batman and instead put down a rambling diatribe on depression, alcoholism, and suicidal depression. If you're thinking, "Well, that might be the saddest, most pathetic thing I've heard of all week," you're not too far from wrong. I am, however, in a slightly better mood, so I guess this wasn't a complete waste of time. Well, for me, anyway. You're pretty much fucked if you've read all the way to this point, because it's not only not going to get any better, but it's almost over. So you may as well stick it out.

I guess the point is, if you're lazy, shit's not going to change. You're not going to suddenly become a pillar of society overnight. Enjoy your pretzels and PlayStation 3. If you're apathetic, or depressed, just force yourself to get up and do something. Nothing big, mind you; don't decide to build a deck or reach out to loved ones who have given up on you after years of having their sympathetic attempts to find you help fall on deaf ears. Fuck that. That's WORK. Do something small. Like get out of the chair and walk around the house. Take a shower or at least for God's sake, put on some clean clothes. Kevin Smith appreciates the View Askew shirt you bought from his Web site, it doesn't mean you have to wear it for 15-straight days without bathing.

Or just put some words on a page. Can't hurt.

3D or Not 3D. THAT is the question (Trying to decide if I want to continue to fund George Lucas' insanity defense is what I'm getting at)

Would George Lucas REALLY rape Indiana Jones? I'm starting to wonder.

The man is clearly brilliant, albeit a total narcissist, but I'm really starting to think he would forcefully have his way with Indy.

I bring this up because Star Wars Ep. I: The Phantom Menace comes out in theaters Friday in (heavy echo effect) 3D!!!!! I swore I would never buy the blu-ray and I won't, as painful as that is for me. Yeah, I'm one of those old guys who remember seeing the OT (Original Trilogy; get with the program) in the theater and thinking it was the coolest fucking thing I'd ever seen. That includes internet porn. Well, MOST internet porn.

Anyway...

I didn't even mind when GL re-released the trilogy in '97 (even though my tombstone will read, "HAN SHOT FIRST, YOU PANDERING MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!"). I thought the new scenes were pretty decent, especially the conversation with Biggs prior to the battle of the Death Star. I loved that Lucas didn't screw with Empire Strikes Back much and there was absolutely no reason to. At all. At. Fucking. All.

Then came Return of the Jedi and all of us original fans should've known right there George was losing his shit. I went to see the re-release on a first date and I really thought I had a shot at closing the deal, so I wasn't paying the kind of attention I normally would. (BTW, yeah...totally got that. For basically the first and only time in my life, I was THAT guy and it was fucking awesome...even if she WAS batshit crazy). Two things stood out: the musical numbers. The Sy Snootles song in Jabba's palace, originally, was pretty cool. And realistic looking. GL doesn't seem to realize the reason he's considered a god is not only the story lines, but the fact he made his movies look realistic WITHOUT over-the-top special effects.

Well fuck me running if he didn't ruin the palace song with, well, I don't know what the hell that was. But it was awful. To make it worse, the worst special effects of the entire OT was the Rancor scene. I figured, well, I can suffer that if at least he fixed the Rancor scene. Nope. Still looked like total shit.

The second musical number was the finale. The Yub Nub Song. The team is on Endor. It makes sense that the songs would be Endorian. Wasn't good enough for GL. He had to change the song to some kind of Enya adult contemporary bullshit. Don't get me wrong, the additional scenes showing the celebrations around the galaxy was pretty sweet (even though it's hard to figure out just how the hell word traveled that fast, but whatever), but that damned song was retarded.

And then there was Anakin. At the end, we see the newly-redeemed Anakin Skywalker take his place with Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi as Force ghosts. And Lucas wiped out the elder, fatherly Anakin for that whiny little douche fuck who was Anakin prior to becoming Darth Vader. That made ZERO fucking sense.

So THAT was the first round of changes. I won't get into the blu-ray business right now because there's no point. Haven't seen 'em; ain't gonna. Fuck it. But then there was the new trilogy. I stood in line to get my ticket. I literally had tears in my eyes when John Williams' music hit and the famous scroll starting with "Episode I" appeared on the screen. I had waited since late spring of 1983 to see this.

And it was OK.

I, like most others, thought Jar Jar was over the top and clearly aimed at kids, the same mistake Lucas made with Jedi. Apparently, he hadn't learned his lesson. But that wasn't the part that really got to me. Loved the pod race. Loved the emotions between Anakin and his mom. Loved the relationship between Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Won. The lightsaber duel between the two Jedi and Darth Maul? Yeah, fucking epic, especially with "Duel of the Fates" playing beneath it.

I just couldn't get past Anakin destroying the Trade Federation ship. I know, it's supposed to be a sorta callback to Luke destroying the Death Star, but at least Luke was 18 and had some pilot training and had the Force on his side. Anakin was, what, 10? Really straining my ability to suspend disbelief.

I won't really get into the other two right now, but I'll say they were a lot better. I thought Episode II was pretty strong and I honestly put Revenge of the Sith in my top 3. Anakin killing KIDS? Holy shit, that's dark! The opening battle? Hells. Yes.

But Episode I. Man. As I said, I didn't hate it as much as a lot of other people, but do I really want to get sucked into this latest ploy to re-paint the Mona Lisa? Do I really want to condone GL's insanity by paying for this attempt at wresting away the top-earning film series of all time from Harry Potter? And you KNOW when A New Hope comes out, Lucas is going to kick out the jams to make every effort to slingshot his way past Avatar. You KNOW he is. Let me put it this way: I didn't see Attack of the Clones in the theater. Phantom Menace left me so disillusioned (I saw it four times in the theater just to ensure that it wasn't some kind of joke), I didn't see Ep. II until it came out on DVD. And I didn't even buy it right away. Waited a couple weeks. Episode III? Different story. Saw it 10 days before the official release as part of a media screening. I was a god on the StarWars.com message boards for a few days. Yeah. Dig ME.

I guess I'll just have to play it by ear, but I really think I'll give it a pass. Probably won't start hitting the 3D flicks until Revenge of the Sith. Then I'll see the remaining flicks. Maybe not Jedi. Hated those fucking songs. But we'll see.

Unless, of course, he rapes Indy. Then it's over.

Probably.

Dammit.

Alright, I'm probably going this Friday. Fuck you, George.