Showing posts with label 420. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 420. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 12, 2018

EDIT: Five-Minute Sprint STORY

(I guess we'll find out together.)

EDIT: My wife shot me the idea of doing a word sprint every week about this story because she really wants to know what happens. So that's what I'm going to do. I'm high now, watching ECW's Massacre on 34th Street PPV, and taking my lunch break. So we're going to do this now. Five minutes, stream of consciousness, who knows what's going to happen.

ORIGINAL POST: I'm high, I'm listening to Iron Maiden's "Fear of the Dark" from their concert in Rio, and I've got the timer set for five minutes. Let's see what happens.

--

Mabel turned to Agnes and said, "I've had enough of this nonsense."

It wasn't the words Mabel used that gave Agnes a start. Heavens no. Agnes had taken 93 trips around the glowing center of their solar system and there was blessed little that would surprise her now.

It was the fact Mabel had been dead for at least 25 of those trips that gave Agnes pause.

I'm just fuckin' with you. Mabel isn't dead. She hasn't spoken in probably three months, so Agnes was a little surprised by the comment.

And no, she still wasn't surprised by her words. Mabel was always carrying on about one thing or another. We want a library card. We want to vote. I want an abortion. No, seriously, I'm pregnant and didn't find out until pretty recently, so if we don't do something quick, it's going to go from regret to murder, so really...let's find a a doctor. Or a Mexican. But someone. And quick. Because like I said...

"What nonsense is that, dear?"

"Ugh, just all of it."

"Mabel, you haven't said much in a bit, so you'll have to forgive me if I don't remember what had you in a state when you went all non-verbal last spring."

---
NEW POST 9/6/18

Mabel was dumbstruck. Which was kind of funny, if you think about it. She's said one thing in three months, and her sister's response shocked her back into being a mute. Maybe it's me.

She was right, though. Mabel struggled to think back to what had infuriated her into silence for month after month after month. She knew she was right. That much was certain. She had had no doubt regarding the strength of her convictions. Mabel was prone to dramatic extremes, true; also true was that Mable was prone to taking handfuls of pills without having the slightest idea to their origins or effects. Or side effects.

Actually, that could explain a lot of the memory loss. Something to think about, Mabel thought. Or she thought she thought it. She may have forgotten it by now. Or not. Yeah, she really needed to stop doing that. But man, what an interesting day...

She looked back at her sister. "Oh, shut it down, Agnes. You know what I'm talking about." She hoped Agnes knew, because she had no idea herself and was just fishing.

---
NEW POST 9/8/18

Agnes sighed, loudly. A little too loudly, if we're being honest. Mabel could be dramatic, but Agnes wasn't afraid to embellish, either.

"You're still mad at Mother, aren't you, dear?" Agnes asked, making a noticeable, albeit insincere, attempt at something like empathy.

Mabel racked her brain. Being pissed at Mother wouldn't be anything new, but that didn't sound right. But close. Maybe Mother had something to do with it? Like, maybe Mother said something that pissed her off and then she held that anger in and took it out on someone else, and THAT'S what she's really pissed about, the fallout between the other person as a result of whatever the shit it was that Mother said?

Fuckin' Mother.

Still, that didn't sound entirely accurate.

DON.

That named popped into her head with the suddenness of surprise sodomy. She remembered. She remembered it all. It was Don. That goofy little prick actually did it. And he got away with it. Goddammit.

"No, Agnes, for once, it's not about Mother," Mabel spat. Not literally spat. That would be gross. Like, figuratively. Like, she spat the sentence out because of the low regard for which she holds her mother.
---
NEW POST 9/12/18

"It's Don," Mabel said. "You remember Don, don't you, Agnes? Don't you?"

"Of course I remember Don," Agnes said. She couldn't forget Don and his swarthy good looks, his charm, his huge bank account, and his even huger cock. It was massive. It waddled around the farmyard as though it owned the place, but at 76 lbs., it was hard to argue.

His enormous black cock notwithstanding, he also had a bigger-than-average penis as well and Mabel had spent her youth as a size queen, so it's not hard to comprehend that she would remember Don. She had spent a couple months post-WWII as Don's steady girl. It was a heady summer, but when Don left, she shut down for almost a year. She didn't speak, she rarely ate, and she carried a bitter grudge against Agnes after catching her in the bathroom with Don. He claimed he was helping Mabel's older sister with her hair; Agnes claimed he had bent her over the sink and was plowing her like Grandad's cornfield in the spring.
---
NEW POST 9/24/18

"In addition to his--"

"If you mention that cock of his, I'll punch you in the mouth." Mable despised chickens.

"Alright, in addition to his pet," Agnes said slowly, "and his larger-than-average manhood, of course I remember Don. I remember going to his funeral more than 30 years ago. So unless you've become a medium, what does he have to do with anything?"

"I saw him. Yesterday."

"In a dream?"

"No, not in a dream. That's stupid, what you just said. I know the difference between a dream and real life, Agnes. God, you're so dumb sometimes. 'In a dream?' 'In a dream?' That's what you sound like. Mother was right."

Now Agnes was taken aback. Mabel, not even in jest, had ever credited their mother with being right about anything. Ever. Being who she was, however, Agnes would not allow herself to be caught off guard. No matter how badly she wanted to know what Mother was right about, she would not rise to the bait.

"Mabel, I was just asking. Dreams can be powerful sometimes. If it wasn't a dream, then can you please explain the context in which you saw Don?"

---
NEW POST 10/04/18

It was hard for Mabel to describe what she saw. She knew it was Don, but it was hazy now. It had been a while since she felt what she would call normal, but she also knew she was telling the truth. She had seen him. Alive.

"I'm...not sure," Mabel said, knowing she was giving Agnes more ammo to talk down to her in that patronizing little voice of hers. Since they were kids, Agnes knew how to get under Mabel's skin. "Sure you did, Mabel" or "Of course I believe you, Mabel" or "Yes, Mabel, you have incredible bosoms."

"I know you think you saw him, Mabel, and I believe you," Agnes said.

"Goddammit, Agnes, you insufferable cow!" Mabel yelled. "I saw him! As sure as I'm looking at your old, wrinkled face right now, I saw him!"

Agnes looked at her in that way she always had with that "Of course you did, Mabel" look on her fucking puss. Goddamn, did she hate her sister sometimes. Like now. Or like that time she stole Mabel's diary, read the passage about the time she accidentally pooped her pants during Sunday School and blamed it on Davy, the slow kid.

---

And done. Music went from Iron Maiden to a live duet between Metallica & Ozzy doing Paranoid. Kirk is playing THE most gorgeous Les Paul. #Swoon.

Sunday, August 26, 2018

Five! Minutes! To Wriiiiiiiiite Something...

(Eddie is never not awesome in any context. Also, I know a guy who knows Iron Maiden's drummer. So, yeah.)

Sammy Hagar's jamming with Chickenfoot, playing Deep Purple's "Highway Star." Sammy's awesome. I met him once at a NASCAR race. I have three celebrity meeting stories that all start with "I was at a NASCAR race & running to (wherever), when I ran passed (celebrity)." Sammy Hagar (which I'm about to tell you), ECW wrestler Al Snow (which I write about HERE), and Charlie Daniels. Which is heretofore known to none but me.

Anyway, I'm running out of the media center at the track in Fontana, Calif., and I see Sammy. The following exchange takes place:

"Holy cow, you're Sammy Hagar!"

"I know!"

"You're awesome!"

"I know!"

"I gotta go, it was great meeting you!"

"You too!"

The Charlie Daniels story was very similar, except when I said, "Holy cow, you're Charlie Daniels!" his response was "Yessir!" His response to "You're awesome!" was "Well, thank you kindly!" The Al Snow story is better, but Charlie was a nice man. A little, um, different, these days, but he was a nice man. So now you know the Charlie Daniels story.

Anyway, George Thorogood is singing about drinking his rent money in the form of bourbon, scotch, and beers. I love him, by the way. It's amazing to me that I haven't seen him live. So there's that, me & BatBong just had a chat & there's five minutes on the timer.

---

She had a beaver that just wouldn't quit. Her boyfriend's little brother had been force feeding it meth for the past hour.

It was disturbing in that they had just watched it gnaw its own tail off, shrieking between fevered nibbles, but they just couldn't look away. Mostly, because they had been force feeding themselves meth for the past three days. I can't tell you what they were seeing through their eyes at that point, but I can tell you it was...unusual.

Prior to this tale of self tail-decapitation or whatever you would call it, Chet the Beaver may as well have been called Chill the Beaver. Because he was pretty relaxed.

For Chet, a normal day consisted of laying around, taking second-hand hits from his person's hot-boxed bedroom while listening to his favorite group, the Beaver Brown Band. It had nothing to do with the name; he genuinely liked them, respected their background, and admired their never-ending-tour work ethic.

---

We're now watching Lynyrd Skynyrd doing "Freebird," pre-crash. I met them, too. Many years post-crash. The live version of "Freebird" my wife & I saw that night included a woman dancing who also looked as though she had been force-fed some meth. The video I'm watching is in the hey-day of the 70s mega football stadium shows. Seeing this crowd of tens of thousands of people getting into the music, that's pretty incredible. That's your stereotype stoner "Profound" Moment of the Day.

If You Can Dodge a Wrench, You Can Write For Five Minutes

(Why am I not actually using this time to work on my book? Look, a bison! #SmokeBomb)

Hoo boy, we're having fun now. Digging the five-minute word sprints. Now on YouTube is Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It." First, RIP Neidermeyer, and second, I have nothing but admiration & respect for the fact Dee Snyder admits that song was brilliant marketing on his part & he planned on selling out from the beginning. It's a great song & they are a solid band. Nothing wrong with using your talent to create an anthem that's easily monetized.

Whatever. High's starting to wear off (but there's always more) & the timer's set for five minutes.

---


He walked through the door more pissed than I’ve ever seen him.

Fred wasn’t a big man; he didn’t fill the door. Didn’t come close, actually. Standing at around five foot, four inches, Fred wasn’t an intimidating presence. A hint of a pot belly hung over his belt. A double chin spilled over the collar of his t-shirt. Male-pattern baldness was stealing the already-whispy hair upon his head. So no, he wasn’t intimidating.

Except for the massive horn in the dead center of his forehead.

It was massive. Remember Berkley’s dream monster from Bloom County? Remember how it had a giant single horn coming out of his head? That’s what Fred’s looked like. A little more proportional to his body, but incredibly massive and more than a little distracting.

The horn had mysteriously appeared one day around mid-afternoon. He was at a bar, flirting with a woman who you could kindly say was out of his league. Usually, Fred stayed in his lane, but hours of day drinking on a Tuesday had given him the kind of courage where rejection is just the first no on the way to a yes. He excused himself to use the restroom. When he came back, the object of his temporary affection was gone and he had a large, curved horn coming straight out of his head.

He didn’t see it in the restroom as he was splashing some water on his face. In fact, in the years he had the horn, he had never felt it. There was no weight to it, despite the size. It was brought to his attention only after the bartender, a young lady of 21 who had led a reasonably sheltered life, screamed and pointed at Fred.


---

Greta Van Fleet's on YouTube now. That voice just shocks the shit out of me every time I hear it.

Another Five-Minute Sprint

(This has nothing to do with nothing, except I saw it & started giggling.)

Watching the video for Diamond Dave's "California Girls." Takes me back to the sixth grade. That was a solid year for me. Plus, his videos around this time are incredibly creative & still hilarious. Anyway. Still high, still watching videos on YouTube. Got the timer set for another five minutes. Let's see if we can catch lightning in a bottle.

---

So Eddie's fucking crazy, right?

Jesus Christ.

You know he killed that guy. He totally fucking killed that guy.

I don't know, man.

I mean, OK, yes. I suggested that Tony was a guy that I would love to see dead. And maybe I kept texting him that if he killed Tony, maybe I would be his best friend. And alright, I may have given him $700 and told him I was giving him that money as a reward for killing Tony.

But sonuvabitch, I didn't think he'd actually go through with it. I know I drove him over there. You don't have to keep interrupting. I was there. I remember how it went down.

Yes, I held Tony down while Eddie shot him. Fifteen times. In the thigh. In front of his mom. Tony's mom. Had he done it in front of his own mom, that would've been weird. I guess no weirder than being the one getting shot in front of your mom. And the thigh thing. No idea.

Dude, I know I'm the one who told him to shoot him there because I wanted to see his dick explode. And I wanted him shot there because he may have banged my high school janitor. I'm a deep guy.

---

Huh. That went in a rather unexpected place.